The "C" Word

I was called back by the staff at the Hematologist's office. They weighed me, took my vital signs and drew some blood in the office. I was taken to a patient room and waited for the physician to see me. A nurse practitioner came in first and interviewed me, asking why I was there. I did not really know why I was there other than my internist told me to go to a hematologist. So, like the compliant patient I am, I obliged.

The physician came in next and sat down next to me. She reviewed what we knew at this moment, going over my previous labs from my recent internist visit along with the bloodwork that had just been done at the beginning of the visit. My blood counts were a little off and I was showing some abnormalities with extra protein floating around in my blood. But what did this all mean? She got very technical, but then explained that what she was most concerned about and wanted to rule out were blood cancers - such as multiple myeloma and lukemia. My heart sunk a bit, as I was not expecting to hear the "C" word at this visit. I was thinking clotting issues or something like this, but things got real, very quickly.

After talking further, I realized I was not going to get definitive answers in this visit. Rather, she was outlining the next steps for testing....more blood work and dependent on what that showed, then possibly a bonemarrow biopsy.

I left feeling more concerned than when I had arrived. I had not told anyone about this visit, as I did not want to worry anyone unncessarily. I tried to calm my worries and anxiety, telling myself that worrying about things I could not control was not the best thing for my situation. However, this was easier said than done when you are faced with the possibility of a cancer diagnosis. I had my lab orders, though, and the next steps for a definitive diagnosis were somewhat clear. I would get more blood drawn, do a urine test and then follow up in a few weeks.

I remember going home from the visit and feeling emotional. I was a newly single mom, had been working on me emotionally and physically, and I was a bit scared. I felt so good, so how could anything be seriously wrong? I felt concerned about the next steps in the event that it was a cancer diagnosis - what would this look like? It is amazing how crazy your thoughts can get and how far they can go. I worried about my kids and how they would handle the situation, should it turn into a real situation. It was at that point, I worked to turn my brain off and stop the worrying and thinking about the situation that I had no control over. I re-focused, for the moment, and went for a run to clear my head. While the next couple of weeks and the wait for more answers were going to be tough, I was reminded of a quote I had seen recently: "You have two choices, to control your mind or let your mind control you." In this moment, I was going to choose the former.