The Beginning of Finding Happy

"Happiness is a Journey, not a Destination." - Buddha

The day my journey truly began: It was mid-day on a Sunday. I was home with my husband and our two daughters. I had a disagreement with my husband in our living room/kitchen area and got upset. I retreated to our bedroom. My children were in the house and had witnessed the disagreement, but I didn't think much of it, as we frequently did not agree on things and frequently our disagreements were in front of our kids. Shortly after I retreated to my room, I noticed that my older daughter also went into her room across the hallway. As I was fumbling around my bedroom, making myself busy and making space between my husband and I, my older daughter came into my room to me and said "Mommy, I drew something for you." She stood there and presented a picture she had just drawn. I looked down at the picture and it was a drawing of me, my two girls and Daisy, the dog. There were pretty colors and a sun on the paper. We were all smiling in the picture, and on the paper my 5 year old wrote, "I just want my Mommy happy." My heart sunk as I read the words that my daughter wrote. She looked up at me and said, "Mommy, I just want you to be happy. Be happy." I smiled and lightly laughed, as my eyes welled up and over-flowed with tears. I told her, that she made me happy and gave her a hug and told her how much I loved her. I thanked her for the drawing, hugged her again and she walked out of the room. It was in this moment that I began to reflect. It was in this moment that I realized that my children saw everything and in my daughter's eyes, she saw how unhappy I was. It was in the moment that I realized how unhappy I was and had been. And it was in this moment that I vowed to myself that I was going to make a change in my life and that I was going to find my happy.

I sat down and started to think. Realizing that my children saw and watched me so closely, I decided that I could not allow them to continue to see me unhappy. I could not allow them to grow up with a miserable mother. On the outside, things may have looked OK - I came from a good family, was educated, married, had a good job, a nice house, two amazing little girls and a lot of potential for more - however, I had only been going through the motions of life, overwhelmed with taking care of anyone and everyone else and realized that I was neglecting my own well-being in all of it. I realized that I had been doing this for quite a while - well before even becoming a mother, and had not, until my daughter presented her picture to me realized how bad it had become. I immediately felt selfish for thinking that I needed to take care of myself more. I felt selfish for feeling, in that moment, that I deserved to be happy.

This day was my turning point and would be the day that I decided I was going to make a change and find my happy.