My First Date with my New Therapist

After coming to terms with my situation in my marriage and my state of unhappiness, I was committed to making a change. I realized that I had to be the one to make the change in my life and for once, in a very long time, I was going to take control of my life. At this juncture, I was unsure of what exactly I wanted to do, but I knew that I could not continue in the state I was in.

I started looking for therapists to go to - utilizing my employer's EAP program and their recommendations for EAP providers. I came across a practice with a therapist that sounded like a good potential match after doing some online research. I had not been to a therapist on my own, ever, and the last time I was in therapy was with my husband early in our marriage. I was nervous, but also hopeful that this would be a step in a positive direction for me. I had been holding so much inside, that at the very least, this would be an opportunity to release my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions.

I made my first appointment and told my husband that I was going to go to therapy. His response to my announcement was condescending and unsupportive. He was never a fan of therapy and the last time he tried therapy, it ended up with him not returning for a second visit. I tried to pretend that I did not care about his response, when in fact I did and secretly wished that he would go to therapy with me because for once, I would feel that he cared a little bit. But, it was clear that he was uninterested and that I would be going to therapy alone. I accepted this fact and looked forward to the first therapy date.

The therapy appointment day came and I felt ready - ready to begin this new journey. I arrived at the appointment, entered the office and made myself comfortable on a couch as I waited to be called back. The therapist came out of her room and called me in. I entered the room, anxiously anticipating the next hour. My session began and I was prompted to tell her about why I was there.

"Where do I even start?", I thought to myself. And then I remembered, I just needed to start - so I started - beginning with the history of my marriage and the ultimate reason why I was there - my discontent and unhappiness with myself and my situation. An hour passed quickly - it was filled mostly of me talking and talking some more, with few prompts and questions from the therapist. It got deep, but barely scratched the surface. I cried, I felt ashamed, I felt small, but I also felt a little lighter. I shared things with her that many others did not know. I shared feelings and thoughts that I had kept inside for so long. The session came to an end and our next date together was schedule. I left and got into my car to return home.

As I sat in my car, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the emotion in my eyes. From what I saw, it was obvious that I had been crying. I cleaned up my face as much as I could before starting my drive home. I didn't want my husband to see that I had been crying. I wanted to appear to be strong and I knew if he saw the emotion, he would see if as weakness. As I drove home, I replayed much of the conversation that I just had with my new therapist. While I felt that we barely scratched the surface during this first visit, I felt some relief for the first time in a long time because I was finally able to open up and let out some of my thoughts and feelings that I had been keeping to myself for so long. For years and years, I was repressing emotions, feelings, thoughts and the truth about my marriage and my state of life. This was not who I was, inherently, as I had always been someone to talk about what I was feeling. But in my marriage, I could not do this, I felt like I was not allowed to do this - I was passive and unable to express myself fully at the risk of feeling judged. Finally being able to let some of these thoughts and feelings out with my therapist was a really good feeling for me - it was liberating in many ways and it gave me hope that this small step of starting therapy was the first step in the right direction to me making positive change to my life. Now, I just had to keep moving forward.