Introspection, Reflection and Seclusion

After deciding that I was going to make a change in my life, I became very introspective and reflective. What in my life was good? What did I need to improve? How did I feel? What did I need to do to feel better?

What was good?: my girls, my job, my family, my friends

What did I need to improve?: making time for me, being more social, developing and fostering friendships, finding hobbies or activities, my marriage/relationship with my husband

How did I feel?: Miserable. I was not happy and for the first time, I really realized how unhappy I was with the current state of my life

What did I need to do to feel better?: My primary thought was that I had to change things within my marriage. When I really started to evaluate this, this relationship was weighing me down and not serving me. It was negatively impacting other areas of my life. It was stressful. It was full of consistent conflict and disagreement. It was not loving. It was unbalanced. It was not growing, we were not growing together and in fact, we frequently seemed to be moving and working in opposite or opposing directions. This is what I felt I needed to change in order to make other improvements in my life.

I had always been a fixer and my marriage was a constant project for me. I felt I could fix this. We had two beautiful girls, a new home, new friendships budding, and a promising future. So what were my next steps? I wanted professional help.

Early in our marriage, we saw a counselor for a few sessions and it fizzled out. I was not sure how he would respond to the request for counseling, but I was hopeful.

I approached him one day to broach the topic after the girls went to bed, hopeful that he would be receptive. Surely he could not be happy and surely he, too, wanted things to improve. I told him how I was feeling and I wanted to go to marriage counseling. Without much thought, he completely shot the idea down. He said he was not interested in it and that I could go to counseling myself if I wanted to go.

My heart sank. I felt small and unheard. I felt confused as to why he would not want to get help for our relationship. I felt alone. So very alone.

I hadn't shared any of my feelings with anyone. I hadn't shared any of this with my family. It was only between me and him at this point and I thought, for sure, he would be on my side. But yet, here I was, alone.

Next steps? Further introspection and seclusion. I was hurting and at a loss of what to do.